


Sometimes it needs a car crash...

by shayasar



Series: Torchwood RPS [7]
Category: Torchwood RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-24
Updated: 2012-11-24
Packaged: 2017-11-19 09:51:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/571998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shayasar/pseuds/shayasar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gareth is pissed... really pissed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sometimes it needs a car crash...

**Author's Note:**

> Back in 2009 John crashed a car on a racing track. This story was inspired by that.

"Are you fucking insane?" 

The smile that had blossomed on John's face when he had opened the door to find Gareth standing there instantly crumpled when he was greeted with a hissed insult before the younger man pushed him aside on his way in. 

"Come on in," John muttered and closed the door, turning around to find Gareth glaring at him. 

The dogs were jumping happily up and down in front of the Welsh man, but he didn't pay them any attention, instead he practiced his best angry glare on John and had the other man shifting uncomfortably. 

"What the hell were you thinking? No, don't answer that," Gareth spat out, holding his hands out. "You weren't thinking at all! Well, maybe you just thought it would be fucking great to risk your own neck. What are you John, an adrenaline junkie?" 

"Gaz..." 

"I mean, driving a fucking rally car? Are you nuts? It's insane to do it when you are a pro, but for someone without any experience? Especially someone who had just ripped all his ligaments in his bloody ankle! I just can't fucking believe it. What gave you the bloody idea..." 

"Gaz..." John tried again, but the younger man was on a roll now. 

"... To take this job? It couldn't have been the money, cause I know you have more than enough of that. Was it to prove something to yourself? Like that you are still capable of bloody risking your life? Do you ever think about others when you take on such a job? You are not fucking alone in this world, John. There are people who care about you and you have a responsibility!" 

"I'm fine, Gaz!" John finally managed to cut into Gareth's rant. 

"You crashed a fucking rally car! There is absolutely nothing fine about it!" Having shouted the last words, Gareth was panting now, the anger radiating off of him in waves. 

"I survived." 

"Yeah? Well, good for you! Cause I almost had a heart attack when Scott called to tell me that you had been in a freaking accident!" 

Despite the situation a small smile tugged at John's lips, the fact that Gareth was worried about him warmed his heart. But he realized it was the worst thing he could have done. 

"You think this is fucking funny? You ignorant, self-absorbed asshole! I don't know how Scott puts up with you, but I'm done! I'm out of here." Brushing past John, Gareth yanked the door open and was already halfway back to his car when his words registered with John. 

His legs reacted even before his brain could finish sending the command to them and John sprinted down the driveway of his house, managing to catch up with Gareth just in time to keep the man from climbing into his car. 

"Gareth, wait!" When John grabbed the younger man's elbow, he wasn't surprised when it was jerked back with a "Fuck off!" and an angry gaze met his pleading one. "Please, I'm sorry. Let's talk about this, okay?" 

"What's there to talk about, John? You don’t give a shit about the people who care about you and I'm not having any more of this." 

"Do you really think that?" Getting angry now himself, John glared at his lover. 

"Well, it definitely looks that way to me!" Not backing down, Gareth clenched and unclenched his fists repeatedly to keep himself from throwing a punch. 

"You should invest in a pair of glasses then. Seems to me you need a change in your point of view." 

"That easy, huh?" Gareth laughed humourlessly. "Maybe you should realize that you are not fucking Captain Jack! If you get yourself killed, you will stay that way. Forever!" 

"Why do you always throw the Captain in my face when you don't like something I do?" 

"Because I get the impression that you sometimes think you are him! Get a grip, John. You are as freaking boring normal as the rest of us. When you stand up in the morning you need to have a piss, when you get hungry you need to eat and when you break your neck in a car crash you will fucking die!" 

John opened his mouth and closed it again. The anger was burning hot under his skin, but he knew that Gareth had a valid point. It was so easy to slip into the persona of Captain Jack with the character being not far from himself. Rubbing his hands over his face, he took a deep breath before he faced Gareth again. 

"Can we please talk about this? Inside?" Reaching out reluctantly, John brushed his fingers over Gareth's arm, relieved when the younger man didn't pull back. Getting bolder, John slipped his hand into Gareth's and tugged slightly. "Please?" He feared for a moment that the young man would push him away, climb into his car and drive off. 

Gareth trembled. He couldn't decide if it was because of his anger or because he was still so freaked out about the possibility of losing John. Lowering his gaze he watched how John tentatively tightened his grip on his hand, probably not even doing it consciously, but out of the fear Gareth would turn and bail. Could he really leave this? This strange and complicated but wonderful relationship that had developed over the last year? Could he leave John? Could he leave Scott? Gareth shuddered involuntarily. Getting that phone call from Scott, hearing the words 'John had been in an accident', it was as if the world had stopped in that moment. Gareth hadn't realized how deep he was into this, had always brushed it away as being more of a casual thing. Well, not so casual now, Gareth, he thought humourlessly, his eyes still glued to their joined hands. Finally making a decision he slammed the door of his car shut again. 

"Thank you." The relief was clear in John's voice as he pulled the younger man across the lawn and back inside the house. The dogs must have sensed the wary mood as well, as they followed their master obediently instead of jumping around like mad. 

Once inside John let go of Gareth's hand and pushed the door closed with a quiet click. When he turned around to look at his young lover, he felt like he had been stabbed in the heart. Where there had been anger before Gareth's eyes expressed only sadness and defeat now. With his shoulders slumped and his gaze on the floor he looked more like a lost boy than the cocky, confident, sometimes shy young man John knew. 

He had seriously fucked up this time. Mentally kicking himself for being the self-absorbed asshole, Gareth had accused him of being, John pushed away from the door and made the two steps to where his lover was standing. He needed to fix this; only figuring out how would not be so easy. He wished Scott was here, his partner was always better with this. Unfortunately, Scott wouldn't come home for another five hours and John doubted that he could delay this any longer. Taking a deep breath, he reached up and placed his palms on Gareth's cheeks, forcing his head up with gentle force until the blue eyes focused on him. Feeling another stab at his heart at seeing unshed tears pooling in those eyes, John swallowed hard and took another deep breath before he trusted his voice. 

"I'm so sorry, Gaz. I can't tell you how very sorry I am. You're right, I didn't think. I just saw the offer to drive a rally car and took it without a second thought. You know how much I like cars and you know how much I like driving fast. It was like Christmas and my birthday coming all together. I didn't even ask Scott what he was thinking about the job offer. Or you. I was just assuming you were both okay with it." 

"Would you have declined the offer if I had said no?" Gareth asked and it was obvious what he was thinking. 

"Would I have considered it? Yes. Would I have declined it? I don't know. I can't say if I would have done it despite you not wanting me to. But I would have thought about it. Talked to you, listened to your side." 

"But you didn't ask." 

"No, I didn't. And that I'm sorry for." 

Sighing deeply, Gareth took a step backwards, effectively pulling out of John's reach. He rubbed one of his hands through his hair while he paced a few steps away from John before turning around again. "What did Scott say? Did he give you a dressing down? He wouldn't tell me." 

"No, he didn't." 

"So, he's given up already. I don't know how he does it. I don't think I can stand on the sideline and watch you get hurt because of some dumb-ass decision you made in the spur of the moment." 

"Gaz..." 

"No, now I'll talk and you'll listen. I don't know why Scott let this slide with you; maybe he's just as crazy as you are. But here's a newsflash for you, I'm not. At least not in that sense and don't you dare flash a grin at me now, Barrowman. I've done my fair share of shit, but the only time I really was in danger was when I got this scar." Lifting his arm, Gareth showed the well-known scar to his lover. "I can tell you when you get burned like that before you can even walk or talk properly it put things into perspective. It's the earliest memory I have and it reminds me how easy you can get hurt. I'm not sure I can watch you and Scott living on the edge and risking your lives every now and again. But I realize I'm not really part of this... this relationship and..." 

"Gaz!" 

"I'm not John, and you know it. When it comes to the final decision between me and Scott, you will always choose Scott. And I'm fine with that..." Catching his breath, Gareth started to pace, trying to sort his thoughts. "At least I thought I was fine with it. But I'm not so sure anymore and this leaves effectively only one solution. We need to stop seeing each other." Stopping in his tracks, Gareth realized that he had actually said it. In equal measure relieved and scared shitless and wanting to take his words back, he looked at John. 

The older man just gazed disbelievingly at him. It actually surprised John that he was still standing upright, because he felt like someone had kicked his legs out from under him, punched him in the gut and was trampling on his chest now. This couldn't be happening. 

"Gaz, please." It sounded suspiciously like begging, but John didn't care. He didn't want to lose this, didn't want to lose Gareth. Losing him as Ianto had been hard enough but it was all a TV show in the end, not real life. But the thought of never seeing Gareth again... Something broke inside him and he couldn't hold back the tears that were simmering in his eyes. "Please don't do this." Making a step towards his young lover, John felt like someone had beamed him into a bad soap opera and it was the end of the episode, everything highly dramatic and then the credits rolled after the line 'to be continued' flickered over the screen. No, he would be damned if he didn't jump right into the conclusion of this godforsaken episode now. He could see that Gareth was just as shocked about what he had just said, there was still a chance. Scott would kill him, if he screwed this up. 

"I better go now," Gareth whispered and wiped his hand angrily over his eyes to stop the tears. 

"No, you don't," John cleared his throat and made another step towards Gareth, sending a sad smile his way when he saw a stubborn expression crawl into the young face. "Now you will listen and I'll talk." Deciding he really couldn't do this while still standing in the hallway, John walked towards the living room, grabbing Gareth's hand on the way to pull him along. He felt relieved beyond words, when the younger man followed him without putting up any resistance. Pushing Gareth down onto the couch, John sat down beside him, still cradling Gareth's hand in his own. The gesture seemed to be working, because Gareth's eyes were transfixed on their joined hands and he didn't make an attempt to pull away. Rubbing his thumb over the back of Gareth's hand, John tried to sort his thoughts. He wasn't sure where to begin or what to say at all, when he was honest with himself, but when he knew something it was that honesty was the way to go. 

"I am sorry that I have given you the impression that you are not important to me. No, hold on," John pressed his fingers on Gareth's lips when the younger man tried to disagree. "Let me finish. I know why you are feeling this way. We had to be very careful with showing our relationship to the outside world and I know how that hurt you. But we decided together that this was the best way. I don't like it one bit, but gay relationships are still looked upon warily and to throw a third man into the mix would be a feast for the press. And I wouldn't want that for your career or mine or Scott's. We are living on a dangerous line here, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you, Gaz." Taking a deep breath, John glanced up at Gareth and smiled slightly at the wondrous expression on his lover's face. "Yes, I love you. You crawled under my skin the second we met and my feelings for you got stronger by the day. The last year has been the best with sharing my life with you and Scott." 

"John..." 

"Listen, I'm sorry for being a jackass sometimes and you might be right that Scott has given up on me in that regard. But believe me when I tell you that I never intended to hurt you." 

"I know. It's just so frustrating. I want to go out there and tell everyone that I'm fucking John Barrowman, but I can't. I want to give the press the finger and tell them that I love you and that I love Scott, but I can't. Instead I have to lie and feel guilty for pulling my best friend into this, asking her to pretend to be my girlfriend. Gemma is putting up with so much shit from me but she never complains. And I hate myself for putting her in that position. I really don't know for how much longer I can do this." 

Pulling Gareth into a tight embrace, John smiled sadly when he felt arms come around his waist, holding on just as tight. 

"I know. I know how hard this has been on you. And I know how you feel because I'm feeling the same. Every time I've been asked about Jack and Ianto and if they screw each other I wanted to shout at them yes, they do! And so do Gareth and I! But I can't and it kills me. I cherish every moment I can touch and kiss you in front of the press and the fans because they think it's all part of the show. I really wish we lived in different times and no one would give a damn about who sleeps with whom and with how many partners." Pressing a kiss into Gareth's hair, John sighed. "But if you really want to end this, I can understand that. Although you have to understand that I really don't want to lose you." 

"Fuck John, I don't want to lose you either! Or Scott. This is the best thing in my life so far and I don't want to give it up. I just don't know if I have the strength to keep it going." Burying his face in John's chest, Gareth inhaled the unique scent that was John. He felt safe and complete in John's arms and the thought of not having this anymore was enough to let the tears flow again. He chided himself for being such a wuss, but he was emotionally exhausted. Pretending to be someone else with Gemma, answering all the questions about season 3 of Torchwood and talking around the bush to disguise that Ianto would be killed off was taking its toll. And to be honest with himself, he still wasn't really over the fact that Russell had decided to kill Ianto. So much for 'I love the character' and 'I think Gareth is hot'. Okay the latter wasn't really a reason for Russell to keep him in the show, but he still felt betrayed. And he knew John was feeling the same. 

He had already lost the Jack/Ianto relationship and the opportunity to work with John every day. Was he really willing to put an end to their off-screen relationship as well? As complicated it might be? There was only one answer, and it was 'no'. 

Not trusting his voice, Gareth wriggled out of the embrace and grabbed John's face, pressing his lips on the instantly opening mouth. He tried to convey all his feelings into the kiss, knowing that was a stupid thing to try, but if John's reaction was anything to go by, he was successful. The kiss got more demanding while hands were roaming over bodies, pulling them closer together as if to reinforce that they belonged that way. 

When they finally had to come up for air, Gareth put his forehead against John's and closed his eyes. "I love you, too." 

"So, you won't leave me and Scott?" John needed to hear it, needed to be sure that Gareth was staying. 

"No." Shifting back down, Gareth snuggled against John's chest. "But if you go and try to kill yourself again, I will kick your ass from here to John O'Groats." 

"Duly noted." Smiling, John nuzzled his nose in Gareth's hair before leaning back and closing his eyes. Their lives wouldn't be any easier from now on, but he hoped that they had a better basis from where to draw the strength to make it work.

FIN**


End file.
